How to stay stressed

It may sound a bit bizarre, but in Psychiatry we have a term known as 'secondary gain'. When forming a diagnosis it is important to look at the possible 'benefits' that an individual's illness behaviour may be reaping and thus, perpetuating the condition. Yes, some people become 'ill' for many reasons. Here are some.

Stress helps you seem important
Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.

It helps you maintain personal distance and avoid intimacy
Anyone as busy as you certainly can't be expected to form emotional attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're probably not much fun to be around anyway.

It helps you avoid responsibilities
Obviously you're too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.

It gives you a chemical rush
Stress might be considered a cheap thrill and you can give yourself a hit anytime you wish. But be careful, you might get addicted to your own adrenaline.

Stress helps you avoid success
Why risk being "successful" when by simply staying stressed, you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won't ever be a threat.

It lets you keep your authoritarian management style
The authoritarian style of "Just do what I say" is generally permissible under crisis conditions.  If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all the time.

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods.

Never Exercise
Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

Eat anything you want
Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.

Gain weight
Work hard at staying at least 10 kilograms over your recommended body weight.

Take plenty of stimulants
The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar and coca-cola will continue to do the job nicely.

Avoid woo woo practices
Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress.  The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or not.

Get rid of your social support system
Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you will be concerning yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

Personalise ALL criticism
Anyone who criticises any aspect of your work, family, dog, house or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack.

Throw out your sense of humour
Staying stressed is no laughing matter and it shouldn't be treated as one.

Men and women: Be Tough!
Never, ever ask for help and if you want it done right, do it yourself.

Become a workaholic
Put work before everything else and be sure to take work home at evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that holidays are for wimps.

Discard good time-management skills
Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

Procrastinate
Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvellous amount of stress.

Worry about things you can't control
Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues...

Become a perfectionist and set yourself [and others] impossibly high standards
And either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.