Karpman Drama Triangle

There is a common pattern which is less-than-healthy which runs through many relationships. To know that it is a common pattern can bring a great deal of relief to someone who is in the midst of a relationship that isn't working well and yet they can't pin down the reason why. This relationship can be between friends, family, co-workers, clients, or significant others.

If we can recognise the pattern and know its name, it will help us to begin to understand what is happening and also help us to do something about it.

The pattern, known as the Karpman Drama Triangle, is based on the work and observations of Stephen B. Karpman. The pattern is that we rescue people from their responsibilities and then we feel victimised and then we persecute the other person! Persecution can take many forms, such as anger, guilt, blame, martyrdom or ostracising.

Indeed, we rescue people from responsibilities which are actually their own. Examples include paying their bills, cleaning up their mess and making excuses and covering for them, when they fail to take responsibility for themselves. This is emotionally unhealthy for us as it causes us to suffer from stress and overload which doesn't belong to us. It is also emotionally unhealthy for the other party as we are, in effect, stealing from them their obligation to be responsible for the quality of their lives and thereby build a platform of self-esteem for themselves.

After we rescue, we then feel used and sorry for ourselves. Poor us, we give and give and no one gives back. Does this sound familiar? Well guess what, we have only ourselves to blame. Self-pity takes away our self-esteem. We need to get healthy boundaries up and strengthen them, primarily for our own sake, but also for the sake of others.

After we rescue and feel used and sorry for ourselves, the next step is to blame and persecute the other party for our feelings. We put on sad faces that say, "Poor me, look what you've done to me." We subject the other party to anger by yelling or silence. Or we might ostracise them, cut them off and make them suffer because they took advantage of us. All of these are very destructive, fear-inducing emotions and actions.

So rescue, victimisation and then persecution are the typical pattern of the triangle.

Some refer to this pattern as 'the dance of dysfunction'. Those who grew up in dysfunctional families tend to repeat this unhealthy dance in many of their relationships. We seem to gravitate towards those that will help us complete our dance and we raise our children to dance it with us.

This dysfunctional dance or Karpman Triangle, is so sneaky and so ambiguous that it is sometimes very hard to recognise and acknowledge. After all, when we rescue someone, doesn't that make us a good person? Isn't this what society expects and rewards? The answer is no, not if the price is stealing someone's right and obligation to be responsible for themselves.

Allow yourself to be responsible only for what is yours to be responsible about and allow others to manage their own 'stuff'. You'll be amazed at how much healthier and less complicated your relationships become and how much more peace you will experience within yourself.