Asylum Tales.

Gallows Humour.

Gallows Humour

Mental illness is not a laughing matter, but it can have its moments. Often it helps to maintain perspective by seeing the funny side of situations and sometimes laughter really is the best medicine..

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

The senior nurses and doctors in a lunatic asylum have a meeting and decide that one of their patients may be potentially well enough for discharge. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies.

When they get to the movie theatre, there are 'wet paint' signs pointing to the benches. The nurses and doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down.

The staff get all excited because they think he may be in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?"

He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."

After hearing that one of the patients in the mental asylum had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of the bathtub, the asylum director called him to his office..

Director: Mr Bush, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you are ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved, later killed himself with a rope around his neck!

Mr Bush: Oh, he didn't kill himself. I hung him up to dry.

A bloke is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the local lunatic asylum when he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence but, being a curious person, he can't help wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

The doctor was on his daily round of the mental asylum and had just entered the room of two of his long term patients. One was sawing imaginary wood into hundreds of pieces and the other was hanging upside down from the ceiling.

"What are you doing?" the doctor asked the first man.

"I'm sawing wood," he said, "Isn't that obvious?"

"Well, what's your friend doing?"

"Oh, don't mind him, he thinks he's a lightbulb."

"Don't you think you should help him down before all the blood rushes to his head?" continued the doctor.

"What!?" exclaimed the man, "And work in the bloody dark!?"

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doctor," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going mad!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred pounds per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred quid a visit? A bartender cured me for ten pounds."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Neurotics build castles in the sky
Psychotics live in them
Psychiatrists collect the rent

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.

She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped..!"



Random House

Life in a Community rehabilitation facility..

I: Handover

You always know when you've arrived for duty at Random House. If the acrid stench of stale piss doesn't get you first..   [read]

II: Pulp Friction

Has she been helping herself to the residents' medication again..?   [read]

III: Student Nurses

They're not bad," Maudlin replied, "We've got one male and one female this time. Jeff, the male, is interesting..   [read]

IV: Initiation

The laundry bag creaked a bit at the seams as the rope tying it to a radiator inside gave a little, but it held strong..   [read]

V: Evening Shift

Andy looked up from his microwaved lasagne and carefully wiped his lips with a napkin, "I'll deal with this one."..   [read]

VI: Rehab & Reality

"Hey cheer up Nurse Andy!" said a bright apparition standing at the office door. "Wot you got to be so down in the dumps about..?"   [read]

VII: Body Fluids

Now, I truly tried hard to find a nicer term here, but nasal mucus doesn't really begin to describe..   [read]

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